Give yourself compassion, too

By Meg Mitchell

Self-compassion is treating ourselves kindly through life’s inevitable ups and downs. Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three key aspects: being kind to ourselves, savoring our humanity, and observing ourselves throughout our day with curiosity. There’s plenty of science on the benefits of mindful self-compassion, and that’s not where I’m aiming to go with you today.

I’d like to share the inspiration I find for self-compassion in “nearby nature” and perhaps make a few distinctions. Maybe like many of you, I was raised to believe “that it is better to give than receive.” Yet, in the natural world, all things do both. Can you imagine if trees just gave all the time?

I notice that the players involved in this exchange are often unseen, not the same, or separated by time and place. In nature, giving and receiving happens within a continuous asynchronous flow. Hurray for the wisdom in our nature! I feel a sense of freedom in this. It’s been important for me to drop or give voice to my assumptions or expectations about giving and receiving. Doing so allows me to notice mixed intentions that have crept into my giving and receiving that can result in feelings of obligation, righteousness, resentment, or “giving to get” (for worth, belonging, control, love, appreciation, etc.). The creatures I live around exemplify the natural flow of compassion and the paradox that receiving fully is a gift given.

I’ve also noticed an important distinction between self-compassion and self-care. I can take care of myself through exercise, nutrition, and sleep and still be harsh and critical with myself. I can also be kind to myself in a moment and pass up longer-lasting choices for self-care. Self-compassion involves a depth of awareness that doesn’t necessarily require more time. It can be as simple as enjoying my morning shower and seeing brushing my teeth as affection. I can take deep breaths and check in with myself between meetings or notice when my inner critic pops up and replace it with the voice of my wiser internal BFF. I can honor my promises to myself and appreciate my humanness by taking myself lightly during human-messes.

I believe I’m not alone in having self-doubt or “comparative envy attacks.” These often reflect social scripts we grew up with and cultural biases we swim in. If I remember that others have similar difficult emotions, I can accept and let them dissolve.

Reflecting on my continuing journey of self-compassion, it’s simply including myself in the compassion I extend to all life. Being hard on ourselves hardens the heart. By stepping into the flow of compassion around me, I’m less likely to escape into isolation, numbness, or empathy fatigue. More of me is aware and available, which my furry ”teachers” (who speculate much less about all of this) are happy to soak up without question.

Meg Mitchell is an artist and employee coach at La Clinica. She is certified through the International Coaching Federation.