A focus on others can help us make connection

By Bryon Lambert

A few years back, while preparing the table for Thanksgiving, I was feeling anxious about the potential family dynamics to come. My adult daughters had just conspired with my wife to invite their mom to dinner, and I was feeling the weight of that choice.  Standing in the dining area, off the kitchen, dressed in her holiday finest, my granddaughter noticed my expression and asked, “Are you mad at me, grandpa?” Her little spirit and literal name are Harmony, so my heart melted, along with the tension. I swept her up in my arms and assured her that nothing could be further from the truth.

These kinds of situations can easily go unaddressed when I’m under stress or feeling anxious. I’m particularly conscious of this phenomenon when I’m serving in my role as equity, diversity and inclusion director at La Clinica. As a Black man in this country, it’s easy for me to take issues of inequity personally, so innocent bystanders could catch the projection of my wounded feelings if I’m not careful. I personally abide by the tenet that putting relationships front and center is the key to interrupting the impact of my internalized racism on others.

Author and theorist bell hooks has a quote that relates to this. She said, “I am often struck by the dangerous narcissism fostered by spiritual rhetoric that pays so much attention to individual self-improvement and so little to the practice of love within the context of community.” This is among the quotes I’ve used to spark conversation and reflection in workshops. It is true that the better inner life I have, the better grandfather I can be, and it is also true that hyper focus on myself can come at the expense of the connections I want.

Another situation that highlights this idea happens many mornings. There is a traffic circle near my home. Like at a four-way stop, each approaching vehicle is supposed to yield. Self-focused drivers follow the car in front of them without a pause. In their haste, they forget that neighboring, on wheels or on foot, is about relating to neighbors. This selfish bit of one-upmanship (purposeful use of gendered language here) likely saves those drivers seconds while impeding the flow for others.

Whether in my dining room, the workshop space, or in traffic, I favor harmony over conceit. This comes out in my chosen style of facilitating equity conversations. I think the use of blame creates distance and that of shame pushes people to that dangerous narcissism hooks speaks of.

To say that I’ll meet you where you are in the workshop space feels cliché to me. What I do, though, is focus on “us.” Protecting our self-interest is important, but leaning into our common intention is vital in the community I want to help build, and how can you be mad at that?

Bryon Lambert is equity, diversity, and inclusion director for La Clinica and facilitates The Learning Well’s Equity and Agility workshop, next scheduled in December.